2005-01-05 at 3:37 p.m.
believe....is it soo hard sometimes just to believe?? Well wif skool coming and all, my mumx pressuring me again~~as usual....quite predictable actually~~but yeah, i knoe shex worried for me and all, but hello?!?! as if pressuring me is gonna make it betta....shezzz u would think she would understand that. And omgggg, do u knoe how many times i've told her to just leave me alone, come on, i dun need to think about my skool life 24/7!!! I realli just wanna block it out for the while and just be deluded....because that waii then i don't have to wonder wat will happen, and have to worry about wat i would do~~
My mumx been saying all of last yr that she has lost faith in me because i wasn't able to cope with my situation betta...bullshit....as if anyone else in my position would have coped betta~~well actually i fink some strong willed ppl would, howeva i was at breaking point....so dun judge me!!! >< lol~~aniwaex sometimes u juz need someone to believe in u...and i knoe everyone around me doesn't believe that i can go to skool & complete my studies and stuf, and it hurtz...it realli does...but i guess on my part, i took too long just to wake up~~and get my life bak together~~i wish someone believed that i could accomplish it, i realli do~~and u knoe wat?? Sometimes i think my only true frenx are my toys, it may seem crazee but hey, they're the onli onex that are there for me all the time, and they see everything, and they wun judge me or stop believing in me~~i swear sometimes they're the only ones that give me comfort~~and thatx realli ironic, since some ppl fink i have it all~~yeah i have it all....bullshit i do~~
i was watching oprah the otha daii~~yes i'm a oprah fan~~so sue me~~lol. Aniwaex, there was this girl and she was realli poor and all, and she was the first outta her family to graduate frm highschool. Shex been moving frm shelters, and her relatives places for quite a few yrs already, and she had to quit university because she didn't have the funds~~but she nv gave up on her goal, of retaining a degree~~i'm not saying that i'm like her at all~~but she appeared on the oprah show, and this sentence that Oprah said to her "i believe in you"~~nearly brought me to tearz~~itx funni that such simple words can hold such meaning, and such strength~~and when some person saiiz that to you, u feel empowered with the will to succeed~~or at least i think u would, lol~~and when will my family say that to me>>? When will they stop doubting that i can't, and say that i can?? I guess only time will tell right??
geeez...sorri pplx~~i keep on writing about all these painful memories~~and i feel sorri for the ppl wohu have 2 read it >< but it does cause some relief, me writing it out here, so i hope u guyx will forgive mi~~T_T'' and hopefully i will have more happi things to write bout soonz~~^^
ta ta
xx allie xx
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